IUD

When Google IS helpful

Guys – humans of the male gender – this post is safe, if somewhat irrelevant, for you.

It will come to no surprise to any of you, after my last post about drowning in the Red Sea, that I am anemic. I’m falling asleep everywhere, and can’t drag myself out of bed, nails are peeling and breaking all over the place. Before resorting to iron supplements (stained teeth! constipation! SEXY TIME!), I’m really trying to change my diet to eat as many iron-rich foods as possible.

Namely, dark chocolate.

A small bar of Lindt dark chocolate easily provides up to 67% of the daily value for iron. In a form that is easily absorbed by the body.

So basically, I have NO CHOICE but to eat a LOT of chocolate. For my health.

lemonchocolate

Life is very hard, sometimes.

I leave you with Mr. Bean. He gives a very good argument for a steady diet of chocolate in the clip below. Mr. Bean the Wise.

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When Google is not helpful

Guys – humans of the male gender – this post is not for you.

To make a very long story short, I got a copper IUD installed this month.

Well.

When the internet and the doctor (equally reliable sources, obvi) say that an IUD might cause “heavier flow and cramping” in the first few months, possibly forever, THEY DIDN’T WARN ME ENOUGH.

Day 12. TWELVE days of bleeding, and no sign of stopping. Bright red. Endless quantities. I didn’t know I had that much blood in my body. I will be anemic in the near future. I also understand why IUD’s have such a high rate of effectiveness: it is impossible to have sex when you are internally hemorrhaging, and your ovaries are trying to exit your body by beating their way through your pelvic wall.

Of COURSE, I did what any normal person would do, and I googled “first period after copper IUD” and now I am completely hysterical. I’m so freaked out and upset, I haven’t eaten chocolate in 48 hours. I don’t have the appetite for it.

I am never going to have sex again, because I will bleed out and die. The internet says so (no joke, one of the first hits to that google search is an article for Elle.com titled “Is my IUD killing me?“), therefore it must be true. According to this thread on reddit.com, I basically should just draft my will, because any day now, I will drown in a pool of my own blood.

The internet never lies.

I want to weep.

Current mood – and if you think this is too far, and too gross, SO DO I. SPEAK TO MY UTERUS.