chocolate

When Google IS helpful

Guys – humans of the male gender – this post is safe, if somewhat irrelevant, for you.

It will come to no surprise to any of you, after my last post about drowning in the Red Sea, that I am anemic. I’m falling asleep everywhere, and can’t drag myself out of bed, nails are peeling and breaking all over the place. Before resorting to iron supplements (stained teeth! constipation! SEXY TIME!), I’m really trying to change my diet to eat as many iron-rich foods as possible.

Namely, dark chocolate.

A small bar of Lindt dark chocolate easily provides up to 67% of the daily value for iron. In a form that is easily absorbed by the body.

So basically, I have NO CHOICE but to eat a LOT of chocolate. For my health.

lemonchocolate

Life is very hard, sometimes.

I leave you with Mr. Bean. He gives a very good argument for a steady diet of chocolate in the clip below. Mr. Bean the Wise.

The end is near 

Y’all.

I must be very ill. 

Anticipating a very late night at the office, I went down to the office cafeteria around 6:30pm tonight, intending to buy myself chocolate.

Instead, I came back to my desk with a bowl of chicken soup.

That has never happened to me before.

The internet tells me that “disorientation” is a common symptom of:

  • Meningitis;
  • Acute Mountain Sickness;
  • Mad Cow Disease.

The next step is dementia and eating broccoli voluntarily.

It’s over. All downhill from here. 

Literally what happens EVERYTIME I go on a diet

And I do mean in the literal sense and not the abstract sense. The following monologue actually gets delivered OUT LOUD, much to my coworkers’ irritation.

Chocolate, I want chocolate. Oh it’s 9am – too early for chocolate. NO CHOCOLATE FOR YOU, hahaha sucker, you’re on a diet. Is it weird that I am having a conversation with myself? Maybe it’s time to do some work. Okay, I’ll work now.

Geez, so many emails? Why so many emails? I really want a muffin right now. No muffin for me (sing-songy voice). And if I can’t have a muffin, no one can have a muffin. No muffin for you! No muffin for you! And no muffin for YOU! I’m like the Oprah of deprivation.

Work work work. Accountants must all be fat, this is boring. Is it lunch-time yet? Oh, it’s only 10:10. Well, this sucks. I guess I’ll drink some water – hydrate my pretty skin.

Water is not doing it for me.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, I’ll work now.

I have a headache. Must be from sugar withdrawal.

SWEET IT’S LUNCH TIME!!!!!

I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert I want dessert.

This apple is a shitty dessert.

K, I just did 24 minutes of work, can I have chocolate yet?

FML. This is going to be a long day.

Whaddya mean, I should stop talking? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!

#teamplayer

#yesihaveADDwhydoyouask?

Best gif ever, found on my newest favorite site: http://www.playbuzz.com/katewalker10/describe-your-sex-life-with-a-spongebob-quote

How this all started (a Valentine’s Day rebranding exercise)

The first time I ever wrote a blog post was in February 2013, as a guest blogger for my friend’s blog, The Last Year of Earthly Things. He nagged me for months to start writing, and while it took me another 18 months before starting Discovering Ratchet, the experience of guest blogging helped me overcome some of my fears.

Y’all should check him out. Some of my favorite posts from his blog are:

Enough about him. Behold, my very first blog post:

valentine-day-reflect-dating-choices-valentinesday-ecards-someecards

I’ll just reread most of the content of this blog

 

Valentine’s Day – A Single Girl’s Thoughts

When you’re single, Valentine’s Day is a front-runner for the worst holiday of the year. Unlike Christmas or Easter or even Canada Day, you still have to go to work. Without a significant other, you don’t even get presents. There’s no material advantage whatsoever.

Every Valentine’s day since I’ve been single, and someone hears of my dislike of the day, I am the target of knowing glances and smirks. Which makes me defensive. Can’t a single girl dislike Valentine’s day without the accusation of being “bitter and single”? Well, actually, no. I am bitter and single. Primarily because while single, it is impossible to spin Valentine’s day into a day about ME. Birthday? My day. Christmas? I get presents. Easter? Baby Jesus died so I get chocolate. Halloween? Skanks and chocolate. All of those things that make me happy. Valentine’s day? I’m single, so no free chocolate for me.

Do I sound obsessed with chocolate? I think it’s a healthy obsession.

I also find it worrisome that couples need a specific day to celebrate their love (what happens in the remaining 364 days of the year?). Don’t get me wrong. I condone the idea of celebrating love, but I prefer weddings – a big-ass party, celebrating two people’s commitment to their love. Falling in love is hard, and maintaining & fostering that love is even harder – it deserves to be celebrated, for it really is an accomplishment. Also weddings are a valid excuse to dress up pretty, flirt with the best man, and dance awkwardly on a dance floor in front of the in-laws. MUCH more entertaining than Valentine’s day.

Maybe if Cupid took a marketing class or two, and re-branded Valentine’s day, it wouldn’t sit so badly with most of the male population and the entire single girl population. Cupid, just because you are cute and cuddly, and kinda bad-ass with your bow & arrow, it doesn’t mean you can slack off. Brand management is a pretty big deal, nowadays! Valentine’s Day needs to be sexed up.

An attempt at this has been made by the modern man with Steak and Blowjob day – taking place on March 14th, one month after V Day – which has its perks as it increases everyone’s protein intake. But that day misses some of the magical festive feel that all other holidays have. I propose that the inherent problem with these 2 holidays is that by their very nature, they limit the party to only two people. It’s hard to get a mass party going when it then breaks down into couples of two and excludes a broad swathe of the population, i.e. single people. Unless the party is an orgy. Then that party model works just fine. However, orgies are not easily marketable to the mass population. Therefore, I think Valentine’s day should just be a pink version of Halloween, where girls get to dress up as sluts, eat chocolate and men ogle them happily. EVERYBODY wins and children can just focus on the socially acceptable aspects (pink and candy). Cupid, you are welcome.

I’m off to get some chocolate.


Present-day addendum: It both amuses and disconcerts me to see just how much of the above post is still relevant today, even though I wrote it two full years ago (original post: here). I suppose this indicates a certain stability of character and personality – unless it is an indication that my life has been stuck in a rut for the past 730 days.

Some questions shouldn’t be answered. I’m off to get some chocolate.