A valuable lesson

Back in Feb, I was having coffee with Dynamo, and I brought him up to speed concerning my trainwreck dating life.

I’d recently experienced a few moments with Beaut that had led me to believe that perhaps, maybe, with caution, we could sustain a friendship. Dynamo listened to me in silence, and then gravely spoke:

So this is what you are gonna do. You are going to unfriend him from social media, block him, and never talk to him again. He lied to you. He has lied to others. He has repeatedly shown that he will hurt you as a side-effect to him getting something he wants. He can have all the good quantities you describe, all that is true. You have forgiven him, bc you should not hold hatred in your heart. But he is not a good friend. And so he deserves nothing from you. No time, no energy, no space in your life. That isn’t being a drama queen, that is choosing to control the levels of drama and happiness in your life. To chose happiness you MUST not choose drama.

I mourned the end of a chapter in my life that, while tumultuous, had triggered so much personal growth and discovery for me. I was a better person because of Beaut – how sad that I couldn’t benefit from all the advantages he’d generated with him as a part of my life. But Dynamo is wise, and has built a life for himself that I respect and admire. If he tells me something, it’s worth considering.

I followed Dynamo’s orders and blocked Beaut. My stress levels improved almost immediately, and have continued to steadily improve ever since. I’m free.

Dynamo wasn’t done. He had lots to say about my recent string of dates, including Hickster, Eurodude, Older Guy.

I think it is time you question what you want in your life. If you want happiness, why are you accepting guys that won’t bring you happiness in your life? Happiness is a choice, and is contingent on the alignment of the values you hold dear and your own behaviour. The Vanilla I met in 2009 would not have accepted these guys in her life, bc they do not align with her values.

Have your values changed? Because your quest for happiness has not, so make sure your behaviour is reflective of that. I don’t think it is.

Ouch. From my best friend. Hearing that suuuuuuuuuucked. He was right. I’d been settling for dead-end, fun, convenient dating scenarios, with no long-term potential, and usually a whole lot of drama, that inevitably distracted me from my goals of well-being and joy.

A few weeks later, cue my almost burnout and a need for an immediate vacation, and off I went to Paris/Dubai.

I have often stated that the Universe is a bit of a dick, with a fucked-up sense of humour. Well, not this time: the timing of this life lesson was just perfect. If I step back and look at the theme of this trip, it is that of Love and Friendship: both new (FroMan, Energizer and Sunshiney), old (BlondEyes) and dear (BossMan and IronSweetie). There was no drama. There was no insecurity. There was overwhelming happiness and connection and joy. Why? Because of the ppl in my life, willing and capable of sharing themselves beautifully with me, and I with them.

This trip spoiled me. I don’t wanna settle for any less happiness with my friends and dating life than what I experienced in Dubai. Frankly, I don’t think I can settle again: anything less will be too little, when compared to the joy I felt during those 8 days.

Dynamo, as always, was right.


Recap of this trip – Dubai:

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15 comments

  1. Sounds like you’re in a good place. Happy to read it.

    I say, soak up the good vibes and build up reserves for whichever curveball life might throw you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol, I am trying to not anticipate the bad stuff anymore. It dims my current happiness, by producing uncontrollable anxiety.

      Imma try instead have faith, and enjoy every moment to the extent it can be enjoyed.

      Like

  2. Your friend’s insights about ending relationships with good people who have not been good to/for you is SO spot on. Hard to accept sometimes, certainly hard to follow through on at first — but such a necessary act of self-love and self-respect. (In the midst of something similar myself right now…so Dynamo’s words are a timely reinforcement!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Go for it. It took me so long to get to this point – it felt like a failure in friendship and love on my end: maybe I just needed to be more careful, have more defenses, impose more boundaries, tried harder, have more empathy… No. With some people it just wont work out, even if they aren’t necessarily bad people.

      Im finding it harder to end things with another boy, because our social circle is too tight for me to completely freeze him out, but nevertheless, I’m doing my best. I realize now that one can feel alive around a person without all that drama. I don’t like drama – it creates too much noise, which drowns out the joy I crave. Joy comes from peace, at least for me.

      Best of luck in your case. Its hard. So hard. (not gonna lie, I miss Beaut like crazy, still, to this day.) But the resulting space for happiness is too big a blessing to give up again.

      xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Quite right, some people will cross limits because they don’t realize they’re doing it — and others just won’t respect your boundaries no. matter. what. You can break your heart trying, while nothing ever changes.

        My own situation involves not friends or lovers but parents. So very, VERY hard. Your “felt like a failure [of] love” phrase really resonates; I have to keep reminding myself it’s okay to protect myself, and not keep breaking my heart on the same jagged reefs…

        Thanks for sharing!

        Liked by 1 person

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