Becoming an object

Assignment 5: State what object you are (no ambiguity or will harm the piece). What are your likes and dislikes. Narrative voice. Describe your existence as an inanimate object (or plant). (e.g. a streetlight, a key, one shoe of a pair, if you are a newspaper be a specific newspaper or a specific piece. Pay attention to the voice. If you are a toothbrush, you probably haven’t been around that long so your vocabulary might be minimal vs an old vintage book that has accumulated a lot of knowledge. The voice must match the nature of the object).


Oh boy, there she goes again. She gets so angry at month-end. Doesn’t she realize that I’ll calculate her basic sums and percentages for her at the same speed whether she bruises my buttons or not? Sheesh. I hear her telling her team all the time that they need to “assume positive intent” and “be patient” with their coworkers, to not reinforce the stereotype of robotic accountants with no feelings. What about me, hmm? What about my feelings? She hurts me when she pounds in her numbers in frustration. You’d think that as her calculator I would be entitled to a little bit of consideration. I’m a rather big deal, a key team player, but nooooo! She just leaves me on her desk to gather dust for days on end, and when she decides she needs something, suddenly she expects me to deliver. What an attitude. Especially when she inputs her numbers wrong: her frustrating sigh hurts my feelings. It’s not my fault she was distracted and gave me the wrong inputs! She always makes me feel so guilty for doing my job. And why must she always press the clear button 5 times?? I understood the first time. I’m not an idiot, whatever the other calculators might say. No, I am not a graphic calculator. No, I can’t calculate scientific functions. But my owner is a director of finance. She is a big deal. She bosses around all those engineers and their calculators that think they rule the world. Ha. So there. I might be simple but she uses me to make decisions that impact lives. Thanks to me, she knows if she can boost headcount or not. Yeah, that’s right. Me. I give her the information to hire/fire people. I help her calculate their pay raises. I tell her if the bonus she plans on payout out to the entire company is too low or too high. My owner is the one that approves the supplier invoices for the engineers to stock up on their graphic calculators. Ha. I still remember how condescending all those other calculators were with me, when we were being delivered to the company. They actually called me cute! They spoke to me as though I were a toy calculator. Just because I didn’t go to calculator university doesn’t mean I’m any less worthy of respect! If only they’d known who my person was. She’s badass.

Dammit, there she goes again!! It hurts!!! Deep breaths, woman, deep breaths. Remember, your attitude affects the whole team, and I AM PART OF THE TEAM. One more finger pounding, and I’ll… I’ll… I’ll still perform. But a bit of recognition would be nice! I never freeze like that Excel software she is always going on and on about. “OOOOH. Excel is the best, I just love Excel” she always says, forgetting just how pissed off she gets when Excel crashes. I never crash. Is a simple thank you too much to ask? Hmph. Poor management style, right there.

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