I’m going on a peniscation

Update – Sept 27: I just found out that in March, a girl Beaut was sleeping with reached out through social media to “all the other girls”, including Main Girl, to advise them they were sharing the same man. Not me. Because apparently my dating him was so low-key nobody knew about it. I wanna throw up. I’d asked him, more than once, if he was sleeping with anyone else, for STD purposes. If I needed proof that I and my health are not worthy of consideration in his eyes… I most definitely have it. Yeah, no, maybe the disclaimer isn’t true afterall. I dunno. WTF.


Disclaimer: I wrote this post because the hurt was festering inside me, poisoning everything. Is it the whole truth? No. Is it logical and fair? No. Is it how I feel? Fuck yeah – some of the time. I still care about the boy, and believe that we might find an equilibrium that allows for the true friendship that was always present to flourish once again. But that can’t happen until I carefully work through a lot of the feelings below. Step 1 of that process was to write about it.

This is a story about Beaut.

The concept of space – a beautiful post, yes? Heartbreaking, heartfelt and sad. Beaut thanked me for it: it gave him the feels, it was beautiful and touching. How nice.

Until that point, from when Beaut and I stopped properly dating back in March, and my August post about space – a realization and acceptance of just how impossibly fucked up he is – I’d been perplexed by the successive demotions I’d been experiencing.

  • A few months of wonderful friends. He did some Dynamo-esque actions for me. Helping me out, when I didn’t even ask. Caring. Was there some sex involved? Yeah, obvi. He brought me joy. When I read through what I wrote during that time, I remember how happy he made me.
  • A few months of close but unhappy friendship. The sex became infrequent. I thought it was because of the legitimate clusterfuck he was living through. Guy was close to depressed, just trying to make it through every day. He confided so much in me – he trusted me, when he trusts close to no one. We talked almost every day. I was a good influence for him, during a time of trial and tribulation for him.
  • A gradual shift to purely platonic friends. I almost didn’t notice it was happening. I wrote the “concept of space” at the end of June/beg July, when his behaviour was increasingly distant and sad… but was scared that publishing it would make it come true. So I held off until we had a conversation in August which convinced me he was broken beyond repair.

We never talked about any of these shifts. They just happened. They hurt, but I assumed they were related to the shitstorm he was living through, which was objectively awful (it is still ongoing, but currently less intense). I thought my role, as his friend who he frequently told me he valued and cared about, was to give him space and support.

Well, 2 days after publishing The Concept of Space, I stumbled on Facebook information made it clear that another one of his close female friends was his Main Girl. Not a girlfriend, because Beaut still refuses to be in a couple with anyone. I’m still working out the overlapping timelines, but now, I realise my demotions had nothing to do with his shitstorm, and everything to do with Main Girl gaining in importance in his life.

I wish I could say I had no idea. But that isn’t quite true. I could see through all their facebook activity how close they were, and how flirty they were – behaviour Beaut never exhibited with me, even when we dated. I just naively refused to understand, during all those months, what was happening. And Beaut was ok with that. It turns out Main Girl was aware of the overlap: +1 for her. I was never entitled to that courtesy. I got the talk of “You & I were just friends. I’ve always said she was my friend. So, it was on you to make the link of what my interpretation of friendship includes. I didn’t lie. I’ve always said I don’t want a relationship. She and I aren’t a relationship.” He and Main Girl reached levels of almost-relationship that I never got close to: +2 for her. Main Girl is a great girl, who I enjoy and respect, and is a positive influence in his life: +3. He has met her friends and family: +4. He even took us both out on an activity together back in June. WHAT THE FUCK.

Since this discovery, I’ve been a mess. I cannot reconcile the Beaut that was sweet and caring with the Beaut that knew I suffer from mental health issues, yet chose to let me live through months of confusion and insecurity, rather than tell me the truth. I cannot forgive him for that.

I tried to salvage the friendship. For the sake of what was. Because I believed him when he told me repeatedly that my friendship was special to him. But I was too hurt. So I started pulling back. Not reaching out to him as much. Not asking him about his day, or talking through his issues and listening to his rants. And sure enough, he hasn’t noticed. At salsa last week, he flirted with a girl in front of me, and when I got really mad at him – for the first time, I swore at him, and used distinctly rude language (“WTF is your problem, reminding me to my face that I was incapable of holding your attention for very long. You owe me more respect than that. You’ve been a shitty friend to me.”) his answer was that what! a man isn’t allowed to talk to a woman anymore and that what was I trying to say – of course he is a good friend to me: he listens to me when I talk.

He listens to me when I talk, does he? Well, he doesn’t know what I do for a living, other than I am an accountant. He tells me that I am smart, yet if I challenge his opinions he ends the conversation. He has yet to accept any of my invitations to integrate him into my wider social circle. He knows almost nothing about me other than what is on this blog. Because I rarely get to talk – I listen to him work through his shit, and he makes no effort to get me to talk. In response to my comment of his unwillingness to compliment my physical appearance, he admitted that he has never really been drawn to me physically, he felt more of an intellectual connection to me. I wonder if the fact that I am an intellectual absolves him of the responsibility of not hurting my feelings.

All my love. All my affection, patience, and friendship. Turned to ash. He burned through it all. I’m left with bitter memories that were once joyful. I’m left with shame for having been so naive. Shame for effectively having been forced into the role of a Side Chick to a Main Chick. Shame for believing him when he said he loved & valued my friendship. Sorrow for my loss of innocence. This one hurts more than the last jackass who forgot to tell me he had a girlfriend: that one never cared for me, nor I him. He viewed me as a consumable, and lets be honest, I viewed him similarly – a nice dick with some pretty abs. But Beaut? I let him see all of me, and my reward was still to be treated as a convenience. My humanity was not enough to merit respect.

20 months of therapy: undone. My paranoid brain tells me I deserved this. That I am unlovable. That I bring this upon me. That this is the reward for attempting vulnerability. I have no response. No fight left in me. Even Mimi is silent.

Salsa sure will be fun, for the next while. Yippee.

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17 comments

  1. Sounds so much like my story. The slow distancing, him saying its depression, tough life circumstances. The person in my life won’t break up with me. It is up to me. But we don’t have an active relationship. He’s a recovering cheater, and I put too much faith in him. No main squeeze. I was the best friend who knew him inside out, with whom there also happened to be fantastic sex, but no one was to know. His other dating was amorphous, vague, he managed what I knew about it, never met any of them. “None are as important as you.” Now he’s just depressed and overwhelmed. I can’t be bothered. I am beginning to see how better it is to turn around and walk away from this chaos. It’s taken so much therapy, so much reading on narcissists, sex addicts, love addicts (that’d be my problem). Ask yourself, are you overwhelmingly unhappy? Yes? Remember that. Then ask yourself why you make yourself suffer. You don’t have to. These guys can’t help but chaotically juggle women, noncommittal with all. Here’s the consolation; the new main squeeze is going to be dealing with the same chaos, confusion, and slow withdrawal that you have. In due time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey. Yeah – I wrote about it specifically because rationally I know the shame is unmerited. I am not the only girl to live through this, he isn’t the only boy to adopt this style of “dating”, despite him believing his life circumstances are unique. In putting it out there, I wanted to prove to myself that I can have this happen to me, without it actually diminishing my worth. It should not be a dark secret.

      As for the Main Girl – having met her (WTF!) and spoken to her a few times, I actually like her, and it is some dutch comfort to know that if I got ditched, it wasn’t for a worse model but for someone who will continue the difficult task of bringing light into his dark existence. She is worthy of respect, and love, and I regret that she is headed to the same brick wall that I faced, despite her privileged status and slightly better treatment at his hands. She deserves it as little as I did.

      Meh. I’ll find a balance eventually. I have a vested interest in keeping this friendly: we both go to the same dancing school, and if I can’t find peace in my emotions, I’ll have to quit, which would be MY loss. I don’t feel like losing anything more than what I already have.

      To be continued.

      As for your story – good luck. I’ll be cheering you on! May you find peace, in wtv version it takes in your life.

      Like

      1. I was in your position 3 years ago with this guy I’ve been wrestling with. His marriage fell apart (he had told me it was an open marriage, when, in fact, it was not), he went dark on me when I was trying to support him as a friend, and when he emerged, he had shacked up with another one of his lovers who became Main Girl. I got to meet her, I respected her immensely, saw that she could potentially help him out tremendously, and was ready to put behind our chapter as lovers and support them as a healthy couple. Within a year, he and I are having an affair again, and I later learn that in that first year, he had an affair with someone else. This is my story, and my dude and I have had one of the messiest histories known to man – I can’t just compare it with yours. But, now that you can read my blog, perhaps you will find some resonance.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s amazing how we can take responsibility of someone else’s ineptness and then blame ourselves when things don’t go as we expect. I struggle with vulnerability in a lot of ways, and to allow someone through that small hole in the wall is a terrifying experience.
    But having read your blog for as long as I have, I can tell you are strong and even in your strength, you exhibit some very real and honest vulnerability in your posts…
    …and I think it’s a wonderful thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I was perhaps being *slightly* melodramatic when I said all my therapy has been undone, and that I am done with vulnerability.

      I definitely struggled. For weeks I kept all this shit bottled up inside me, because I was too ashamed. Writing it was a release, and yes – an example of vulnerability. This blog prevents me from fully withdrawing back into my safe cocoon.

      But I will be taking a timeout from dating-style vulnerability. I can’t right now. I need to piece myself back together first, make sure i am solid, before risking anything again.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Do not blame yourself for any of this. You are lovable, some people are just incapable of giving love back. I’ve been there too, opening up my heart and being vulnerable only to have it crushed by someone who obviously did not deserve it. You are strong – stay that way. Do not let him devalue your worth – ever!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. its a struggle. Rationally, I am aware that his bad behaviour is on him. Emotionally, however…

      But writing this helped so much. It signaled to myself that my story and my feelings (never acknowledged by him) are worthy of a voice. Aka, they have value/worth. Almost immediately after publishing it, I could feel myself find a bit more balance.

      Thanks for the encouragement!

      P.S. I am a gemini too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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