I’ve been single for 6 years, during which time I’ve only met 1-2 guys that I would have liked to see develop into a relationship. During these 6 years, I’ve heard ad nauseum “you’ll only ever meet someone once you are truly happy with yourself” and “the more you want it, the less likely you are to meet anyone because you’ll come across as desperate. Just stop caring about meeting anyone, and then it will just happen”.
Talk about the most annoying advice EVER. If Oprah says it, it must be true.
I could see how the first part applied to me, when I was in throws of depression – not exactly the best mindset for vulnerability and intimacy. But now that I have been symptom-free for over a year, that statement was no longer was relevant to me. I have a good job, I travel, have amazing friends… Life is aight, y’all. As for the 2nd statement, I also didn’t feel it particularly applied to me: sure, I want to meet someone, and build a life with them, start a family… but as that is something COMPLETELY outside of my control, I don’t exactly spend my days worrying about it. Occasionally, I do stay awake at night, anxious about dying a cat-less cat-lady, but really, after 6 years and no prospects, can you blame me? Overall, I’m doing alright, living my life.
Well, according to Qc cousin #2, nope. I got it all wrong. By yearning low-key for the couple lifestyle, I am not enjoying what I currently have. And if I am not enjoying what I currently have… logically, I am not fully happy.
You know when you come face to face with a truth that you’ve been doing your darndest to avoid acknowledging? Yeah. That moment is both awesome and uncomfortable.
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to get my depression under control. The relief of not being depressed seemed like such an improvement that it didn’t occur to me that I could actually aim for more: aim for happiness. I never believed that I was worthy of happiness, nor did happiness ever seem within my grasp – as I was too distracted by the demons trying to drown my mind. I never realized that the pursuit of happiness was something that applied to me, a worthwhile venture. The accountant in me always thought that for something to be worthwhile it had to have a practical, value-added purpose. And while I do enjoy the practical aspects of my job, and the opportunity to exercise my intelligence, there are so many other aspects to my personality that aren’t getting expressed. My life is not fulfilling.
I have no idea if or when the Universe will throw Mr. Right my way. Apparently, the Universe doesn’t mind making me wait a helluva long time. That is a helluva long time to have an unfulfilling life. I better get cracking and start enjoying myself. Truly enjoying myself. Owning that some of the things that will make me happy are completely trivial and frivolous. But that’s ok – because I will be happy.
Suddenly I have dreams, goals and projects. Off the top of my head, these are the things that I want in my life that will make me happier.
- I like dancing. So I have signed up for salsa once a week.
- I love ballet. So I have signed up for a weekly beginners class for adults. I always thought there was no point for me to take classes, because I know that I don’t have the body to be a ballerina. It never occurred to me that I could still do it just because it gave me joy.
- Writing matters to me – my secret dream is to one day get published. A dream so impossible I am almost ashamed of it. Be as that may be, might as well work towards it. I will do a diploma in Creative Writing at my local Uni’s department for Continuing Education.
- I’m definitely going to continue with boxing. But at least I am honest enough now to admit that my main motivation is vanity – there is no better workout, and I love having an admirable figure. All the other benefits to boxing are also nice: the social interaction with my awesome teammates, the personal challenge, the mental toughness. I appreciate them. But really? I just want a cute ass. I am ok with admitting that.
- At the ripe old age of 32, I’m finally admitting that I want children. But as that is something outside of my control, in the mean time, imma channel all this love I have to give by volunteering with children. This is still TBD – I *think* I want to read books to children at the children’s hospital, but imma take the time to find the activity that feels just right.
- The list of places I want to travel to is looooong – I’ve revisited the budget to make sure I can take 1-2 good trips a year.
- I’ll buy my dream condo within the next 2 years. And when I do? Pretty sure I want a puppy.
- I really like nail polish. Imma set aside a couple of hours every week or two to do my nails. Because having pretty colors on the tips of my fingers brings a smile to my face during the week.
Suddenly, life seems a LOT more interesting. And my singleness rather irrelevant – I got shit to do!!
Cue Frozen’s Let it Go.