I’m a bimbo except Jon Stewart is my Bae

I realized recently that I have a bimbo streak. Sure, I want a guy who values my mind, and loves my personality, who respects my intelligence and ambition. A partner in life. But I also want him to find me sexy-as-fuck and a total babe.

Similarly, I have often told myself that what really mattered in a partner was his values. I look at the men in my family, my father, my god-father and my uncles. None of them would ever have been eligible for a cover of GQ magazine, but boy oh boy are they stand-up men, good fathers and husbands. In my family, there have only been 2 divorces, and both times, my uncles learned from their mistakes, and their second marriages have been happy, stable and long-term (>15-20 years). The men in my family are great examples of the kind of partner that I want. Except… I’ve recently realized that I really really want a partner that I find sexy-as-fuck and a total babe.

I’m a bimbo.

Even before owning my bimbo-ness, I had a few inflexible dating rules:

  • I cannot date a guy shorter than me
  • I cannot date a guy that wears tighter pants than me
  • I cannot date a guy who has a man-bun
  • I cannot date a guy who weighs less than me

I think these are all very reasonable rules: I am a hefty woman, and to feel sexy and feminine, I need a man that does not make me feel like a towering lumberjack. I can’t help how many vagina works. Its evolution.

Well.

There is one exception to prove the above rules.

And that exception is Jon Stewart.

He is short. He is very short. I can benchpress him. But my god, that man, with his brain, his intelligence, his clarity of thought, his values and his decision to use his influence for good… take me now. Let me have his babies that I may spread his genes throughout the world and make it a better place.

Also?

America, you scare me. While part of me hopes that common sense will prevail in November, I am still stunned and frightened that people support and endorse Trump. I don’t think he is a joke. I think he is a scary man, and a large portion of Americans have abdicated their reason in favor of emotion. The emotions that have been revealed are very ugly. To the Americans that are not Trump supporters, the Democrats that are faced with a nominee that does not represent their values, I beseech you: wtv issues your party faces, however strong your (extremely valid) disappointment that Sanders did not make it and has endorsed Clinton… please. PLEASE. Do not let Trump win.

In the mean time, I am going to pray to the gods that Jon Stewart comes out of retirement until the election. America needs him. I need him.

#pleasebemyspermdaddy

 

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4 comments

  1. I think the best gauge of the odds of Trump being a real danger to civilisation is the attitude of other republicans, most of whom are making sure to never be seen with him. They expect him to be the Sarah Palin of 2016… and I trust their opinion (on this very specific issue).

    Still, it’s scary how a major slipup on Hillary’s part (and hey, they happen) could lead to what used to be a joke in the Simpsons (ie, Trump as president)

    Like

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