Sometimes, I try convince myself that if I ignore a feeling, it will just go away, and I can continue behaving in a ladylike, elegant manner. Messy emotions are yucky – they suck out so much energy from me. I’d much rather navigate life in a calm, cool, collected manner as a beautiful ice queen, rather than a hot-headed spit-fire.
A few weeks ago, Beaut found out about a guy (Flingster) with whom I’d had a very casual fling 2 years ago. Unfortunately, Beaut knows Flingster rather well – they bump into each other socially on a periodic basis. I’m not sure, but I don’t think Beaut is particularly a fan of Flingster (can’t say I blame him). Beaut was silent for a moment. And then:
Well that sucks. I dunno why, but that changes everything. What you and I shared – I thought it was special. Now… knowing that you slept with him, that ruins it. It feels like you have a type, and I was just the next guy that fit your type. Also – I don’t care about your past, you could have slept with anyone, but I know him, and now I know that he slept with you first…
And just like that, I went from being Beaut’s good friend to used goods. Sloppy seconds.
I valiantly fought to save our friendship. I reminded Beaut of one of his former FWB agreements with a girl that I know. Based solely on my interactions with her, long before I had ever met Beaut, or knew of their involvement, I’d come to the conclusion that she was manipulative, selfish, unstable, and best avoided at all costs. I didn’t hold that interaction against him, so why should he judge me for Flingster? He replied that his interactions had been sexual in nature only. Indignantly, I pointed out that mine with Flingster had been equally sexual in nature – it was precisely due to my inability to sustain more than a 2 minute conversation with Flingster that had nixed any desire for a more substantial relationship.
Beaut acknowledged my point, but what could he do? He felt as he felt.
I feel enraged at the Universe for never letting me be free of my errors in judgment. My fling with Flingster caused me all kinds of baggage, which took me months to sort through – he treated me as a consumable, to be discarded once he was done. At the time, I was very frail mentally, and his behaviour confirmed my conviction of worthlessness, and tipped me over the edge into a vicious depression. I thought that my depression, all my hard work to overcome it, was karma enough. But it turns out that the Universe still had one more surprise for me. It has poisoned a relationship that I held dearly in my heart.
Vulnerability is SHIT, really. I took a risk with Beaut – he was the first guy since Flingster where I tried being vulnerable, tried battling my insecurities (exhausting, scary, and all around unpleasant), laid myself out there because I felt that he was a kindred soul. Even after Beaut slammed shut the door to dating, I still cloaked myself in the happiness that resulted from our close, intimate friendship – we both had created a safe space where we could reveal our true selves to each other. What a relief to just be, never worrying about being judged, confident in the belief that we’d each accept the other as they were. Turns out that I could be myself up until I revealed one thing too many.
The worst part? I can tell myself Beaut is wrong, I am not used goods. But I’m fighting a losing battle against my mind. I see myself as he does, and I can’t blame him for the bitter after-taste.
Beaut apologized most sincerely, when he saw my tears and devastation. He promised it wouldn’t make a difference, we’d continue as before, good friends. I’m sure his intentions are good, and he meant it. I am not sure how much of what I am currently feeling is my paranoid brain having a field day. But it has been 3 weeks, and I’ve noticed a sharp decrease in our communication. He feels distant. On top of mourning the presumed end of a lovely friendship, I wonder how much I invented about it? For if it was as wonderful and meaningful as I thought it was, surely it could survive this? Maybe I was delusional about the whole thing?
I guess it is what it is, but it makes me weep.
Today I failed at ignoring my feelings, and finally acknowledged my sorrow related to this whole mess. This beautiful ice queen has red eyes, and a sniffly nose.