Used goods

Sometimes, I try convince myself that if I ignore a feeling, it will just go away, and I can continue behaving in a ladylike, elegant manner. Messy emotions are yucky – they suck out so much energy from me. I’d much rather navigate life in a calm, cool, collected manner as a beautiful ice queen, rather than a hot-headed spit-fire.

A few weeks ago, Beaut found out about a guy (Flingster) with whom I’d had a very casual fling 2 years ago. Unfortunately, Beaut knows Flingster rather well – they bump into each other socially on a periodic basis. I’m not sure, but I don’t think Beaut is particularly a fan of Flingster (can’t say I blame him). Beaut was silent for a moment. And then:

Well that sucks. I dunno why, but that changes everything. What you and I shared – I thought it was special. Now… knowing that you slept with him, that ruins it. It feels like you have a type, and I was just the next guy that fit your type. Also – I don’t care about your past, you could have slept with anyone, but I know him, and now I know that he slept with you first…

And just like that, I went from being Beaut’s good friend to used goods. Sloppy seconds.

I valiantly fought to save our friendship. I reminded Beaut of one of his former FWB agreements with a girl that I know. Based solely on my interactions with her, long before I had ever met Beaut, or knew of their involvement, I’d come to the conclusion that she was manipulative, selfish, unstable, and best avoided at all costs. I didn’t hold that interaction against him, so why should he judge me for Flingster? He replied that his interactions had been sexual in nature only. Indignantly, I pointed out that mine with Flingster had been equally sexual in nature – it was precisely due to my inability to sustain more than a 2 minute conversation with Flingster that had nixed any desire for a more substantial relationship.

Beaut acknowledged my point, but what could he do? He felt as he felt.

I feel enraged at the Universe for never letting me be free of my errors in judgment. My fling with Flingster caused me all kinds of baggage, which took me months to sort through – he treated me as a consumable, to be discarded once he was done. At the time, I was very frail mentally, and his behaviour confirmed my conviction of worthlessness, and tipped me over the edge into a vicious depression. I thought that my depression, all my hard work to overcome it, was karma enough. But it turns out that the Universe still had one more surprise for me. It has poisoned a relationship that I held dearly in my heart.

Vulnerability is SHIT, really. I took a risk with Beaut – he was the first guy since Flingster where I tried being vulnerable, tried battling my insecurities (exhausting, scary, and all around unpleasant), laid myself out there because I felt that he was a kindred soul. Even after Beaut slammed shut the door to dating, I still cloaked myself in the happiness that resulted from our close, intimate friendship – we both had created a safe space where we could reveal our true selves to each other. What a relief to just be, never worrying about being judged, confident in the belief that we’d each accept the other as they were. Turns out that I could be myself up until I revealed one thing too many.

The worst part? I can tell myself Beaut is wrong, I am not used goods. But I’m fighting a losing battle against my mind. I see myself as he does, and I can’t blame him for the bitter after-taste.

Beaut apologized most sincerely, when he saw my tears and devastation. He promised it wouldn’t make a difference, we’d continue as before, good friends. I’m sure his intentions are good, and he meant it. I am not sure how much of what I am currently feeling is my paranoid brain having a field day. But it has been 3 weeks, and I’ve noticed a sharp decrease in our communication. He feels distant. On top of mourning the presumed end of a lovely friendship, I wonder how much I invented about it? For if it was as wonderful and meaningful as I thought it was, surely it could survive this? Maybe I was delusional about the whole thing?

I guess it is what it is, but it makes me weep.

Today I failed at ignoring my feelings, and finally acknowledged my sorrow related to this whole mess. This beautiful ice queen has red eyes, and a sniffly nose.

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19 comments

  1. Ugh…the emotional distress we put in our minds when we want our feelings validated. The punishment we put ourselves though, when we recognize our mistakes are nothing short of suicidal torture.

    I hope writing it down gives you some therapeutic relief. And as cliché as it sounds, there really is other options and opportunities for you to find the love of your life. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmm…do you need to process it, or do you WANT to process it? Granted, I’m just curious for my own selfish needs to figure out how to handle anxiety…lol

        Like

      2. Um, I am not sure I understand the difference.

        No, I do not want to come to terms with what has happened, at all. I want things to go back to how they were. But I think, to move on and be free to notice other opportunities, I need to come to terms with this, and make peace with it all.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You explained it exactly how I meant it. πŸ™‚ Personally, I think it’s a good thing to process it, so you can let it go.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Age old defence mechanism: if I get myself to a point where I feel I embody sexy, it keeps the insecurities of “what is it about me?” at bay.

        I’m already pretty satisfied with how I look, but I want to reach Kim Kardashian levels of confident. A little obnoxiousness never did any lasting damage…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I totally understand that. I’m far from any kind of bodily perfection… I’d just like to be smaller than a 14-16 on the bottom πŸ™‚
        But most days I still feel sexy and like you say, i then reassure myself that the dudes are just morons for not realizing my fabulousness πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ouch…. I can see how this is rough for you (would be for anyone, really). Well all hate feeling judged, even if we know that the person doing the judging is in the wrong. Even worse if it feels like a double standard is being applied… he shouldn’t be judging you, much less if he’s made equivalent choices.

    All that being said, as a guy I know that there’s a massive difference between knowing a girl has a past and accepting it in theory, and having part of that past take concrete form.

    A guy I knew was having occasional casual sex with his neighbor… then one day heard her with someone else (very thin walls). They weren’t exclusive and he had no right to make anything of it. He didn’t… but he also lost interest in sex with her. I think it’s one of those cases where guys being unable to express and process emotions really shows through (and makes life messier and more complicated).

    I guess I’m ranting as a way of saying that you shouldn’t be too hard on Beaut… he’s wrong and has faulty emotional wiring, but all men have that same faulty wiring.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If you care about something enough then you’ll be able to put your own wounded pride aside and do the better thing. Your tears are proof enough for Beaut. Time sometimes heals all wounds and you should maybe give him some room to work it out for himself. If he spends as much time as you do agonizing over it then eventually he’ll come round. It feels crap now and it’s natural to torture yourself and replay the whole thing and other scenarios again and again. That’s part of how everyone deals with things. There’s stuff I’ve done wrong that I still replay years and years after. I don’t know Ballet?… I don’t think there’s any real answer to these kind of things. Just take it a day at a time and keep busy. Maybe one day you’ll both find that balance you had originally. And your last bit what dead on… if your man’s as good as you think… he’ll find a way around this and be there for you. You’re smart Ballet… I think you know yourself well enough to heal through this. Hope it works out. I really do.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so angry at him for his reaction. But I guess all we can do is try to control what we do with what other people say to us. So even though I think what he said is wrong and unfair, unfortunately now it’s on you to pull yourself out of the trench and remind yourself you are always good enough. Which feels impossible. But know that your worth is immovable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do know my worth is immovable. I do (now. I didn’t for a long time after Flingster’s stunt.)

      But just because I do doesnt mean I don’t feel hurt and sadness at his reaction.

      And frankly, I can’t get angry at him. But then again, I don’t do anger.

      Liked by 1 person

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