That time I realized I was going to be ok

As mentioned in yesterday’s post, I’ve been coming to terms with certain limitations in the scope of my relationship with Beaut, which made me sad. We are most definitely never getting married, and living happily ever after. Le boooo. (Side note: I imagine him reading that sentence and freaking the fuck out, and it makes me giggle. I am not always a nice person.)

I wallowed in my sadness for a few days. To the point where I was fighting a losing battle with my paranoid brain, so I booked an emergency appointment with my therapist. The last thing I wanted was to slide into another depression because of a boy. Been there, done that: ain’t fun and totally pointless.

During my appointment with my therapist, we talked things through, and he helped me come to term with my emotions and accept the limitations imposed by Beaut. I knew I was sad – that was the reason for my appointment, afterall, but I was taken aback by a sudden burst of honest emotion:

But the sex! What if I never have good sex again? I only just started having sex again, and it is awesome, and I’d forgotten how much I like it, and now I have to give it up? And risk never getting as good sex again? This SUCKS. I don’t want to! I don’t want to have to start dating again, and risk lots of disappointing, awkward, lame sexual encounters. It took me so much time and effort to be vulnerable with this chump, I got rewarded with good sex and now I have to start over? THIS IS STUPID.

That was the first clue that I was going to be ok. If my biggest concern was about the quality of my future sex, clearly, I wasn’t overly devastated by stunted turn of events with Beaut.

As the appointment progressed, I felt comfortable enough to mourn the end of some of the hopes I had cherished about Beaut. I cried elegantly – the kind of pretty crying Hollywood stars do when listening to a moving acceptance speech at the Oscars: a single tear or two, gently trickling down my cheeks. Which is when I noticed my therapist, sitting in front of me, full of pent up gleeful energy. I asked him why he was so hyper.

Hyper? I’m happy! Remember when you first walked in here, 19 months ago? You were in a full blow depression, spurred on by how 2 guys had badly treated you: you were barely sleeping with one, when you found out he had a surprise girlfriend, and the other one was a dude with whom you had attempted some emotional vulnerability, and he shut it down before you’d even made it to a date, and then he said some mean things to you. Neither one of those guys did you actually care about, yet, their actions were enough to push you over the edge into depression. Now, here, today, you are faced with a situation where you can legitimately be sad: it sucks when someone you care about, and have been involved with for months, does not reciprocate the same feelings. Totally normal that you are sad, but look how great you are handling it! You aren’t depressed, you are nowhere near being depressed. I’m so happy this happened: it is proof of how far you have come along! This is great news!!!

In the silence that followed, I dryly suggested that maybe he could get a grip for the remaining 10 minutes of the appointment, and do his happy dance about the end of my Beaut saga on his own, when I wasn’t crying in his face. Sheepishly, he agreed. 2 minutes later, I caught him hiding a grin.

So there you go. Apparently, I am going to be ok. And that is a good thing.

I’m just never going to have satisfying sex ever again. So my paranoid brain tells me.

#vanillaenoughforyou?

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22 comments

  1. 😦 I’m sorry. But you ARE going to be ok and ARE going to have good sex, BETTER sex, again. I just know it. Let yourself be sad, take time to feel shitty, and one day you will start feeling better, and then you will eventually move on. Time really is a miracle. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah, I believe it. I was sad, but not nearly as sad as I expected. Philosophical is more like it.

      I do have a lot of anxiety about the sex though. I didn’t even know it could be this good. And now… I imagine all of the SATC horror stories, and it makes me quite fine with the idea of letting cobwebs grow down there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I had done that for 17 months, and it was kind of awful. I definitely feel better and more complete now that I have been getting a steady dose of hanky-panky.

        Bah. Being a grown up is complicated sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I live by the fact that everything is temporary, so the chances of you having satisfying sex again are pretty high. Sometimes, you just have to let current things go to find out what the future things might bring. And if they happen to be bad? So, the eff what?!?! You simply move on to the next situation that’s better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really like that attitude – that statistically, I am likely to have good sex again. That helps. I didn’t think I had had BAD sex to date, but Beaut definitely brought it to a new level. Le sigh.

      But yes, if I don’t move on, no way to tell what the future holds. Will get on that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It thrills my heart to think I can give people hope about getting laid…lol!

        Yes, well, I am the king (or queen, if you prefer) of focusing on the negative, so I try and force myself to see the positive in things. It’s something I’m growing accustomed too.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I hate to break it to you, buy sometimes the future does suck…but do you want to know what’s good about that? The next spot in the future will be better! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’m ok. If I am honest with myself, I mainly have a little bruised ego, but not much else. I’ve worked through the sadness, which though real, wasn’t as brutal as I anticipated.

      Good sex is hard to come by, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Statistics are a good thing 🙂 Good for you on being philosophical, it’s the best way to be when this sort of thing happens, no matter how crappy it feels at first. I’m really sorry to hear that things with Beaut ended up stalling, but there is for sure a fabulous guy out there for fabulous you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You deserve EVERYTHING you need in one package…including the sex. You’ll find it, and it’ll be worth it when you do. Write down everything you want in a person, and be REALLY thoughtful and honest. Look at that every day, and don’t settle. I swear it works.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. He was, actually. Taught me a few valuable lessons:
        A) ridiculously hot guys can be nice guys
        B) I can attract a ridiculously hot guy – my previous concept of leagues was false.
        C) ridiculously hot guys can be attracted to a girl’s personality
        D) ridiculously hot guys can have their own insecurities that hold them back
        E) I like ridiculously hot, funny, smart guys

        Liked by 1 person

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