Baby issues

Y’all. Cap is having a baby boy with his gorgeous girlfriend. A baby Cap is on its way. Adorbs. Mind-blowing. Exciting. I’m pretty sure everyone at the gym feels like honorary god-parents to this unborn child.

I went to the Cap’s baby shower yesterday. I got an odd case of the feels.

Context: I don’t particularly want kids. I count this as a blessing, because otherwise, being 31, single-as-fuck, with a life that is not nearly where I want it to be, would be a source of serious anxiety and shame. I mean, it is a source of anxiety and shame, but I have learned to live with those emotions, and I don’t feel guilt and worry that my time is running out before popping out a kid. My eggs can age all they want, I’m at peace with the likelihood that I will never produce any spawn of my own. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember, all the way back to my early teens; friends and family have repeatedly told me that my feelings on this topic would change with age and circumstances, but so far they haven’t. I’m not opposed to having a child, in the event that I ever fall blissfully in love with a stable man who wanted babies. But I currently in no way feel that I am missing out.

Moreover, I look at my friends who have children, and I don’t envy their lifestyles. They are exhausted. Always. Their social lives are curtailed. Their conversation, at least for the first 10 years of their children’s lives, tends to revolve exclusively about their children’s development and stories. Their weekends are dedicated to extracurricular activities for their children, and never any time is spent on interest and hobbies of their own. Often the marriages are strained. It seems like a lot of stress and crushing responsibility that I don’t particularly want. I’ll happily remain Auntie Vanilla for all of my friends’ children, and even occasionally babysit: I look forward to playing a role in these kids lives as they get older. I have a lot of love to give, but my maternal side is rather dormant.

At Cap’s baby shower, as I looked at him, and his very pregnant girlfriend, I was amazed at the whole miracle-of-life phenomenon. They looked so happy, so eager to have their child. It blew my mind that they would soon have a little person in their lives. A baby Cap seemed like a wonderful notion. So wonderful, that when it came time for me to fill out the card Cap had provided each guest for their best wishes for the baby, I was overwhelmed by the solemnity of the occasion. It took me an HOUR to fill out the card below, because I fretted about each wish. I wanted to bestow nothing but the best on baby Cap. I even teared up at parts, when I thought of the inevitable hardships and struggles that await this little boy.

#mymaternalsideexistsafterall

Vanilla’s wishes for Baby Cap, with Nene crashing the party

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. I never knew I had to have children. Just figured if the right man came along it would happen. Apparently my Mom was the same! And I decided to have a child with my now ex husband and my life is forever changed for the better. Someone said its like your heart is walking around outside of you.
    I think it’s perfectly fine to not want kids but I can understand the pressure to have them!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I am pretty much in the same boat (if the right man comes along it will happen), but luckily I feel ambivalent enough about having kids that the fact that the right man is NOT coming along, and seems to have gotten lost somewhere in the stratosphere, is not giving me anxiety about time running out. And I am so grateful for that. Because being perpetually single, and having a string of disappointing dating stories is hard enough to work through, without stressing out that my eggs are shriveling up and drying out.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s