You might think that having a pronounced affection for stuffed animals (but not just any stuffed animals – a deadlifting stuffed-lobster and a budget balancing, mohawk-rocking teddy-hedgehog) would offset any swag that I’ve developed at the gym.
And you’d be right.
HOWEVER! I’m an overachiever, and I like exceeding expectations. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you lose all credibility at a boxing gym:
Step 1 – preliminary work: On a quiet Saturday morning, before sparring, forget to lock your locker.
Step 2 – the trigger: Half way through warm-up, go to the washroom, notice your locker is open. Check to see if your wallet, purse, phone, etc is all there.
Step 3 – pretend to be calm and collected: Determine your phone is missing from your locker. Remain calm. So calm. Whilst doing breathing exercises, double check pockets, purse and gym bag. Slightly less calmly, empty contents of your purse on the counter, and accept that your phone is not there. With deliberately relaxed demeanour, nonchalantly slip out of the gym and retrace your steps outside from the metro to the gym. Remember that you used to be a lifeguard – you are good at scanning flat surfaces and noticing random details. Conclude the phone was not dropped outdoors.
Step 4 – the announcement: Declare your phone is stolen.
Step 5 – the diva freak out: Insist that everyone at the gym help with the search high and low. Everyone: the pro boxers training for their upcoming title fights, the staff half-asleep, your team-mates. Ask Coach to vouch for all the people present that you aren’t familiar with (pro-boxer’s niece, Coach’s private trainee, receptionist’s girlfriend). Activate Find My Phone. Convince your teammates that rushing outdoors, dressed in their boxing gear and taking down anyone who looks sketch is not a good idea, but a much appreciated thought. For twenty minutes, all gym activities must be suspended while the collective search for the phone is ongoing. Ideally, Coach should check security cameras, and be perplexed by the lack of suspicious behaviour.
Step 6 – the sympathetic victim: Attempt to workout and spar, but be clearly upset and distracted. Remind yourself outloud that you are fortunate that it is only a financial inconvenience, one that will not leave you destitute. Marvel at the pettiness of the world: why would someone bother stealing an iPhone 6, with a crack at the top right of the screen?
Step 7 – paranoia: Discuss with your teammates possible conspiracy theories. “Maybe it’s personal?” Listen to Coach as he doubts, “I’m not gonna lie, I was once pretty good at being a bad person, and this doesn’t seem like something a bad person would do if it was personal – they’d take your wallet and your cards. THAT is how you seriously piss somebody off.”
Step 8 – the dénouement: Find your phone in the lining of your purse as soon as you leave the gym.
Et voilà. That is how you lose all credibility at a boxing gym.