Brown Socks is getting married in 3 weeks, y’all!! Of course, there was a bachelor party, to which I got invited (contrary to Dynamo‘s claim that I invited myself. Hmph.) I did my very best to be one of the Bros throughout the bachelor weekend. Overall, I think I was aight. I learned from my mistakes from my first bachelor party, and refrained from discussing unacceptable topics such as lentil soup recipes. I was proud of my restraint, until an argument broke out between Brown Socks, his best man and one of the groomsmen concerning the merit of adding carrots to spaghetti sauce. #wastedeffort
How to pick a wedding date
Brown Socks explained the reasoning behind his wedding date of September 26th.
We had the choice between September 12 and September 26. So I looked up 8 years of meteorological data to determine which date historically had better weather.
Dynamo and I broke into uncontrollable giggling at the picture of Brown Socks, the weather groomzilla. Oblivious, Brown Socks continued his explanation:
October is historically a very dry month in Montreal, and July is usually the month with the highest amount of precipitations. Therefore, the statistical chances of rain on my wedding day decrease the further away the date is from July.
Oh, and September 26 was one of the only dates the church was available.
Brown Socks did not agree that his approach was akin to predicting lottery numbers based on the statistical frequencies of certain numbers on a given date. “Historically for the 6/49 draw, the number 5 appears 4 times on the last Tuesday of 7th month of odd-numbered years…”
How to chose a wedding song
The topic of wedding DJs came up. I commented on how the song mix of my cousin’s wedding had left me musically disoriented since it included Shania Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”, 50 cent’s “In Da Club” and Coolio’s “Gangsta Paradise”. Brown Socks opined that Gangsta Paradise is a great song (true), and he hoped it would play at his wedding.
(Context: This bachelor party consisted of 8 accountants and 2 engineers. Our token visible minorities consisted of 1 Asian, and 1 Arab. My vanilla people! My homies!)
Brown Socks eventually acknowledged that Gangsta Paradise was perhaps not the greatest party dance song. Which is when RM, one of the bachelor bros, chimed in, “I think that song works best as the entrance song, when you walk down the church aisle: ‘As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death/I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left'” he rapped convincingly.
Now THAT is thinking outside of the box. Well done, RM, well done.
How to earn your spot at a bachelor party
One of Brown Socks’ tasks for the weekend was to get 50 ladies to sign his shirt. Brown Socks disagreed with this plan, since he really liked the shirt he’d been given for this purpose, and wanted to wear it again. Although lots of worthy bluster was spoken, “You’re just the groom, you don’t get to make the rules!” it appeared he would get his way, as no one had thought to bring a Sharpie pen to our night out on the town. Sad face.
I listened to the groomsmen sigh dejectedly over their thwarted plans for entertainment. “It sucks, man. I can’t believe we forgot to bring a Sharpie!” I listened and listened and listened, bemused at their quandry, as we were standing in the middle of the crowded town square, at an early hour (9pm). I told them to stay put, I would take care of it. I walked into the nearest store, which happened to be a children’s clothing store, smiled at the sales clerks and begged them for a Sharpie pen. Sympathetically, they hunted through their pens, and their purses, till they found me a pen, and sent me off with wishes of a good party night. I emerged triumphantly from the store, pen in hand. The cheers from my bros were deafening. I had scored a bro-touchdown.
Brown Socks successfully got 50 ladies to sign his shirt. A few dudes signed too. Good times.
Now obviously, I can’t spill the beans about any of the specifics from this weekend, because that would be completely against the bro-code, to which I am honour-bound. But I promise you, it was a successful bachelor party, as the picture below proves:#ballandchain