Strengthening the female indecisive stereotype one failed kiss at a time

I’ve previously mentioned that as a 31yr-old perpetually single lady, I regularly combat the pervasive doubt that my single state is in great part my own fault. My strategies to keep this fear at bay includes wine, chocolate and sexy shoes. Sometimes with all 3, at once. #fancy! Some of my kind readers have kindly suggested that everyone has baggage, and since I am aware of mine, and upfront about it, I have effectively addressed this weakness in my quest for domestic bliss, and it cannot therefore be the cause of my singledom. That’s a cute theory. And a false one, as this story will demonstrate.

What not to do on a date

This past winter, I had a Tinder date that I was actually quite excited about. I found him funny and rather gentlemanlike, online. He’d given me access to his Fbk profile too, to calm any pre-date jitters and to confirm he was not a catfishing murderer (his words, paraphrased). I liked what I saw. Consequently, I was incredibly nervous. So much so, I not only put on a clean and flattering outfit, but I also put on lipstick and mascara. #overachiever

He was as good-looking as his pics. He put on a show, as though he was doing his best impression of the ideal funny date. The lack of authenticity made me more nervous; but then I felt like a hypocrite, since I was attempting a similar impression, faking an urban charm I was far from feeling, to try mask my anxiety. I slipped on my persona of a touchy-feely giggly flirt, and felt myself becoming ditzier by the second. He didn’t seem to mind. I noticed his humor had an edge to it, was excessively self-deprecating, which I didn’t find funny, but who was I to judge? I assumed his nerves were at fault.

Conversation shifted to our hobbies. As I’d gathered from his Fbk profile, he is an amateur stand-up comedian. Ballsy! We compared how stand-up comedy and fighting a boxing match can have similarities (they both involve a certain mastery of nerves, the ability to read the audience/opponent and then adapt, and the acceptance of the possibility of failure – no guarantees in either setting). Because we were talking about our respective interests, we both dropped some of our affectations and the conversation’s dynamic improved. Until he made an offhand comment that all humor is a variation of sarcasm. Say what?! I took immediate exception to that statement. I proudly refrained from pointing out that if he truly believed that, he must be a terrible comic. Yay, social skills! However, I was so opposed to his opinion that I had no choice but to engage in some gentle debate. So gentle that I busted out my iPhone, looked up the definition of sarcasm, which I waved in his face, as well as the Google search results for “types of humour”. Types. As in plural. BOOYAH!

Then I had an out-of-body experience and realized that my helpful discussion about his incorrect opinion could maybe possibly slightly be accurately interpreted as a criticism of his comedic skills. Which would likely be offensive to him, and defeat my objective of creating a favorable impression. My brain helpfully made me simper, “but you’re the stand-up comedian afterall. I’ll defer to your expertise.”

At that point, I accepted my brain hated me and wanted me to die a cat-less cat-lady. I facepalmed myself, chugged my beer and waited for the date to implode.

Suspicious behavior

My date surprisingly did not walk out on me after I had spent 20 minutes deconstructing his lack of understanding of the art of humour. This made me even MORE nervous. Clearly, he just wanted to sleep with me, since there was no way he could like me for my personality after what I had just done. As the date wrapped up, my ditzy persona firmly in place, I said goodbye and prepared to walk the short distance home. He offered to drive me home.

I considered this carefully. He was gentlemanly enough for me to suspect that my conviction that he wanted to jump in my pants rightthisinstant was probably an exaggeration, caused by my anxiety-laden mind. Also it was freezing. I accepted his offer.

The short drive home, I psyched myself up for the inevitable goodbye kiss. It was going to happen. I owed it to him, after my ridiculous behavior. I was ready. Let’s do this. He double parked. We resaid polite noises and our goodbyes. He paused momentarily, as if to check that a goodbye kiss would be welcome – see? I told y’all he was a gentleman.

In that instant, I knew I did NOT want to kiss him. But did I react? Did I say something, or move out of the way? NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY. I stayed frozen, with a polite smile on my face . Time slowed down painfully, giving me ample time to watch his gradual approach to my mouth. Slow-motion, slowed down till the motion part barely was noticeable.

It was only as his lips touched mine that I snapped out of my paralysis, and pushed him gently away. “Yeah, no, this ain’t happening. Sorry. I don’t kiss on the first date.” He stared at me, taken aback. I shrugged and exited the car.

WHO SAID I HAD ANY SOCIAL SKILLS? I LIED.

#thisiswhyImsingle

#fml

#vanillaftw 

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16 comments

  1. I think arguing on a first date is probably not a very good strategy if your goal is a second date, but if his understanding of humor is so shallow that he thinks it’s all sarcasm, I suspect he doesn’t understand humor or doesn’t understand sarcasm and, anyway, not second date material.

    Of course, he could have simply misspoken (I once said “circumcised” when I meant “circumscribed” to a roomful of senior VPs, so I sympathize with all the miss-speakers out there).

    Sometimes, when you’re on a first date, weird stuff comes out of your mouth and sometimes you do weird stuff, like change your mind about a kiss.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Agreed – arguing ain’t cool, I’m aware. It was like I was possessed.

      However, he was adamant that all humour is a variation of sarcasm. So, really he deserved it. Kinda. I can only what his standup shticks must include now!

      Like

  2. Oh no, oh ouch… So sorry 😦 on the upside, I think we’ve all had one of those. There’s this one guy that I dated that I totally came on to at a party. I swear, I thought he was the greatest and this guy was totally over the moon that I was interested. Then the second date came along an di realised that he was pretty much the most boring guy on the face of the earth. He told me all the same stories he told me at the party and I did not find him attractive at all. I gave him a third chance it was an epic fail. So what did I do? I kept ignoring his calls until he stopped calling because I didn’t have the guts to break his heart by outright dumping him. Definitely not my finest moment, I am so ashamed of how I treated him. Miraculously though, we’re friends now and when he sometimes tells one of those same stories, I smile and pretend like I’ve not heard it before. Bottom line though? Telling the truth outright is always better. It makes you feel like a better person and is waaay less confusing and hurtful for the other person. Better to rip the bandaid off quickly!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you!!!
      I enjoy your blog too! Isn’t that convenient? 🙂

      I try tell myself that the awkward situations that I find myself in might be painful for me, but they translate into much laughter for all my friends, family and with my blog, my readers… so silver lining? Taking one for the team? That’s my spin.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you!! I try to tell myself that too haha! I also think this awkward stuff happens to a lot of people, they just don’t find it as awkward and they don’t blog about it like we do 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. If he thinks that sarcasm is the only form of humor (which I use the most other than puns) he should at least give some explanation. I used to throw out some crazy theories on dates, but then at least defended them with some made up or funny explanations. Some people are funny on the stage, but not so much in life. Was he funny on the date?

    Like

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