My friend Tabernoush (so named because he is a Québécois who was born with the skill of swearing colourfully and pungently, all the time) is in town, visiting from Australia. I joined him, Blond ‘Fro and Roomie1 for a couple of beers last night.
Following the hellos and the hugs, Tabernoush got straight to the point, “Vanilla, what is THAT?” “That” was a pimple, the size of GMO-enhanced green pea, on my eyebrow. I’ve been self-consciously hiding it behind my glasses and bangs all week, trusting in everyone’s tact and lack of attention to details. Tabernoush has neither of those qualities.
Much to the amusement of Blond ‘Fro, Roomie1 and the barman, Tabernoush asked to touch the super-pimple, promising he wouldn’t try pop it. He didn’t try, but that might have been due to my promise to him that I would punch him for realsies if he tried, and Blond ‘Fro’s eager exclamation, “Oh boy, that would be fun!”
During the second beer, after a heated discussion as to whether or not “lady-pint” is an acceptable euphemism for “half-pint” (conclusion: it’s not and I should just drink a full pint, always), Tabernoush blurted out, as though compelled, “Vanilla, your shoes are hideous!”
I tried explaining that they were hideous because of the contrast with my black tights; that I was only wearing the black tights because Mother Nature forgot that it was supposed to be a warm springtime and temperatures had dropped to the single digits. “Still hideous.” I further justified my decision to wear these shoes by explaining they were my walking shoes, to and from the office – chosen for comfort, not for style – and that my real shoes at the office, chosen for fashion, were black, high-heeled and just fine, thankyouverymuch! “But Vanilla, you aren’t at the office now, you are at a bar. And if you wear shoes that ugly, it’s no wonder you are still single!”
To my amusement, I am not wearing those offensive shoes on my way to work this morning. And I maintain that they are not hideous when worn with jeans.
And they are especially awesome because I got them on sale, for $12.
But they are less awesome if they are the root cause of my singleness. Thanks, Tabernoush, for saving me from myself.