Microsoft Paint is required for this story

I am not going to lie, part of the reason why I believe I am not vanilla is because I online date. Through this supposedly acceptable form of interaction, I have been made aware of several fetishes that previously I happily ignored.

Disclaimer: all of the following incidents happened on the website Plenty of Fish, which caters to the general public, and not some “niche” market.

Not the point of this post, #1

Finding a good opening line, when attempting to write or chat with someone on an online dating site can be difficult. Shouldn’t be too long or too short, prosy, boring, general… it’s tricky, I get it.

But then sometimes, I stumble upon someone who seems to have just given up making a valid attempt.

Candidate 1 writes, as an introduction: “Hi, do you like submissive men?”

“No.”

Candidate 1 replies: “Too bad, you’re cute.”

I sometimes wonder if the joke is on me.

Not the point of this post #2

This one time, I was emailing back and forth with a candidate who seemed normal and flirty. Both are criteria I look for. He seemed to enjoy that I am tall and athletic. Also valid criteria.

After we had agreed on meeting a few days hence, he asked me if I would be interested in filming a crushing fetish video, for profit.

I did not know what “crushing” was. My Google search history will never ever be the same.

Crushing is all about seeing a sexy girl with sexy her legs in nice footwear crushing stuff “just to be bad” and “without remorse”: toys, balloons, or better yet, small living things like insects, goldfish or lobsters. According to Crusher, filming a lobster being crushed to death earned him and his previous girl a cool $900 for only “5 minutes of work, imagine!”

It is the imagining part that caused me to lose a part of my innocence that I can never ever get back.

P.S. I did not end up going on that first date.

The point of this post

Last night, I was scrolling through POF, when I stumbled upon a profile pic that unfortunately is too pornographic for me to post on this blog. And so ladies, and gents, it is my pleasure to attempt to describe it to you, that you may share in my cleansing process.

  • The setting is outdoors, a field of tall grass, with a small muddy clearing, where the following people are assembled;
  • At the forefront of the pic, laying on the muddy ground is a smiling girl (adult), fully dressed, but muddy, as though she tripped and fell into the mud;
  • Standing behind her are three shirtless dudes, the tallest one standing in the middle. Their pants are pulled down to their ankles, and they all have very serious faces on, except for one of the shorter ones, who hasn’t quite decided if he is trying to flirt with the camera or not;
  • All three dudes are proudly displaying their erect “third legs”. And boy, oh boy, do I understand their unpleasant facial expressions: it must be hard carrying around such a heavy burden. Each of their “appendages” is clearly over a foot long: all are longer than the length of the girl’s head, and about the length of their upper arms.

It is a disturbing thing to behold, this picture. And raises many questions:

  • Why did it happen? Who thought it was a good idea to capture this for posterity?
  • Is the girl alright? Was this consensual?
  • Is the girl alright, even if it was consensual? I do not understand the logistics at hand: hazarding a guess, there was likely some issues with compatible dimensions of various body parts.
  • WHY IS THIS ON PLENTY OF FISH? What dude felt this was the best way to approach girls? Does he have a success ratio that is greater than 0? And if so, who…? Or is his goal to derive satisfaction just from knowing that his profile and this pic will produce discomfort and uneasiness in viewers?
  • How can I cleanse my eyes?

Because sharing is caring, I give you my faithful representation of these tripods, done using Microsoft Paint:

painted unicorns

Vanilla enough for you?

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21 comments

  1. Oh, this one is too precious. There really should be a master blog that links up all the posts relating the sh#t about these sites. I have my own posts about ’em, which link to one other, which links to another. Come to think of it, THAT’s the way it oughta be organized: Like a big chain 69!

    I’m gonna write a third post, anyhow, include what I wrote here, and link back to you. Too cute. Love the drawing.

    Like

    1. Haha, agreed!!! A big chain 69 of loving survival from online dates.

      The drawing was fun to do: I giggled pretty much non-stop. But the “real” pic was quite gross and unsettling. Yuck!!

      I look forward to your story! Some of this online dating stuff is so funny/weird, it boggles my mind!!

      Like

  2. Hahahahaha!!!! So glad I read this! Thanks for sharing! And I love your pic!!! What were they thinking (doing… Oh I guess we know…)… And yes: How can we forget about it? Well… I am glad I only have your vanilla version of the pic stuck in my mind 😜

    Like

    1. Haha, yes, be glad. The real pic is seriously disturbing.

      Mind you, silver lining to that story: I giggled like crazy when drawing that pic. Hysterically, by myself in a café, trying to hide the scandalous real pic on my phone from any passerby’s view… It was a ridiculous scenario.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That image is disturbing enough from your Microsoft Paint rendition, I pity your eyes having to have seen the real thing! Seriously how the heck is that a good image to go with? Although if your only interest is waving your man stick around with some other dudes while a woman falls over I suppose it is probably better to be upfront about these things, although maybe not so visually upfront that viewers of the photo will need counselling to be able to sleep again at night.

    Like

    1. I’m convinced that it wasn’t a picture of the actual person, but a picture taken from the internet (violent porn, perhaps?).
      I think the person who used that pic on his profile had zero intention of meeting people through POF. I think he was aware his pic would shock and repulse, and that is exactly the reaction he was looking for.

      The online dating world is a twisted place.

      Like

      1. I actually think the strange fetish I thought he was into is actually less twisted than deliberately trying to repulse people online. I always imagined there’d be a fair few weirdos in the world of online dating but the idea that some people would just be on there to upset people hadn’t occurred to me.

        Like

      2. I agree! It would have been less twisted.
        But the real pic is professionally taken (as in it is clearly staged and the lighting from the sun is good and the framing of the 4 ppl is well done), and also has some Arabic writing (digital) on it – but it’s too blurry for any of my Arab friends to make out. Point is, this pic was not taken with POF in mind.

        Yucky.

        Like

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